your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
