My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
lol hangovers are for mortals.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
