some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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