So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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