we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
