I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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