I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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