FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
