I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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