I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
