a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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