My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
