i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
