I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
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