but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
