Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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