In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
