My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I am one with the molecules
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
