I wish I could teleport
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
