I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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