I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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