Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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