It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
