I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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