yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
