get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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