A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
