Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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