I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
