you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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