"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
