That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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