i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
