Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i already hear my dad disowning me
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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