I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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