Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
