Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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