I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My breasts were aching with rage.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
