My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
