Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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