see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
