why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
