proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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