I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
