I heard we made out
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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