Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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