She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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