I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
