We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
