Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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