Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
