I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
