Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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