When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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