mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
