i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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