what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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