i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Randomize
