JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
