I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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