it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
